Simon's guide to seducing a vampire
by Purecinnamonbun
Summary: Feelings are difficult to articulate. So when Simon realises he likes Baz more than a typical archenemy should, he turns elsewhere for help. Namely, a trashy love advice column of a magazine. But Simon's never exactly been conventional. Especially when trying to carry out simple tips. AKA Simon confuses Baz with his strange behaviour. A lot.


**Simon:**

It had been Penny who first suggested the idea.

She had been in the middle of explaining how I'd exceeded my talking-about-Baz quota by six hundred percent this month, when she'd paused with a contemplative look on her face, taken me to the most desolate corner of the library, and forced me into a conversation that made me want to swallow-dive off the Weeping Tower.

"Simon," she began, hands folded on her knees, glasses slightly askew on her concerned face "Have you noticed that… recently… your tirades about Basil have been going in a slightly different direction than normal?"

"No." I responded, my thoughts mostly occupied trying to scrub a particularly stubborn sticky spot on my sleeve from the jam at breakfast. And it was true. Maybe I'd been talking about the arrogant git a bit more often over the last few months, but that was because he was being _suspicious. _And when Baz was acting suspicious, it usually meant that I was about to be attacked by some sort of magical creature. This time, I was sure that he was plotting. I could see it in the way he styled his perfect hair the other way just to throw me off, how his sea grey eyes had become slightly more pronounced and captivating, and how he sneaked off every night to steal the souls of children (At least, I assume that's what the wanker does down in the Catacombs). Probably because he's a vampire. Vampires are sneaky. I'd quite like to see his fangs, I think. You see these pictures of cartoon vampires with blood streaming from the long spikes in their mouths, but it's hard to imagine Baz with fangs. He'd probably pull them off effortlessly, the bastard.

"Well..." Penny paused for a moment, before adjusting her skirt length uncomfortably and continuing "Your descriptions have been straying a little. You've gone from what he's plotting, to what he's wearing. From his sneers to his _facial structure. _You seem less _afraid _of him being a vampire, and more _intrigued. _You wax poetry about his eyes, Simon. Surely you can see what this means?" She twisted her ring around on her finger. It's a habit I've picked up on her doing over the

"Baz _does _have perfect cheekbones." I say thoughtfully.

"Simon, this is _exactly _what I'm talking about. I'm just asking if you've come to any… significant realisations… about Baz recently."

"I mean…" I took a moment to think, catching my lip between my teeth, and staring at the floor "Killing him wouldn't be my favourite thing to do. I guess."

"A little further than that." She rubbed her hand on her forehead in a long-suffering fashion "Nicks and Slicks, Simon. I'm going to put this simply. You're in love with Basilton."

My brain short circuited for a moment, and I froze until I came to a conclusion that made sense "You think he has me under a love spell?"

"Merlin and Morgana, _no, _Simon-"

"Because that would make sense," I said quickly, trying to speak over her and block out anything I didn't want to hear "By dosing me with a love spell, it would mean that I wouldn't want to kill him, which means the Old Families would _win, _and-"

"_**Cat got your tongue!"**_

My tongue rolled up, cemented to the roof of my mouth, and refused to move. I gave Penny a betrayed look, accompanied by various incoherent noises.

She kicked me.

"You haven't been put under a love spell. Believe me, I've considered it, but it wouldn't have lasted this long. There's a truth that you have to accept, Simon." She paused, and gave me a sympathetic look before pointing her ring at me "_**Speak now, or forever hold your peace"**_

My tongue became free of its bindings, and I moved it around a few times, trying to restore some sort of feeling to it, before informing Penny "I am not in love with Baz"

I could hear the lie thrumming in the air, and I knew Penny could too.

This was _really_ something I wanted to avoid talking about. And thinking about. Even allowing it to come into the same airspace was a stretch.

It brings up the question of my sexuality. I'm not gay. At least I don't _think _I am. And I enjoy not having to think about it, especially after Agatha, so being confronted with the possibility of having a crush on a boy is a bit of a problem for me.

Baz will _never _like me back.

I'd be skinned alive if he knew.

I can already hear the Mage's disapproving, slightly judgemental tone.

Baz will _never like me back._

"I'm _not!" _I reaffirmed.

"Simon," All of a sudden, Penny dropped the serious demeanour, and scooted across the floor we were slumped on until she was next to me "This isn't something you need to hide from me. Nor something you _ever _need to be ashamed of. You're far too focused on what other people expect of you. For once, _please, _do something that you want to do. For yourself. And if you can't bear to do that, then do it for me"

My voice came out as barely a whisper "Penny. You don't realise. It's _Baz." _My eyes were becoming dangerously close to stinging with the beginnings of tears, so I buried my face in my knees"I couldn't have picked anyone worse."

"Things may turn out better than you think. Baz watches you, just the same as you watch him. Please, try."

"I don't have the first idea about how to woo someone."

A smile stole across Penny's face, and she stood suddenly, rifling through her bag before extracting a thin magazine. I watched her warily from the floor.

"This should help" She grinned as she handed it to me, which only heightened my apprehension.

It quadrupled when I saw the name of the article she was pointing at.

"_Fifty easy tips on seducing your crush?_

hr

_Tip #1:_

_Compliments are always appreciated, no matter how minor.  
Boost their self-confidence when they least expect it!  
Why not try reinforcing them with a comforting thumbs up?_

hr

It was later that day, in Baz's and I's shared room, when I tried out the first set of instructions from the booklet.

Baz was reading some book with a foreign title, and I was pretending to play Minesweeper on my laptop, losing time and time again, while casting furtive glances at him, wondering how to broach the subject.

I thought I was being subtle, so it came as a shock when he shut his book, and turned to me with an exasperated look.

"_What, _Snow?"

"I…um…" Think of a compliment, _think of a compliment_ "I like your pillow. It looks very…um…fluffy."

He didn't respond, so I awkwardly raised my arm and gave him a thumbs up.

When that garnered only an even more incredulous look, I also did it with my other hand, feeling a little bit like I'd done something wrong. I was practically _spoiling _him with affection here, so why wasn't he reciprocating?

"The _fuck, _Snow?"

"I…um…"

"Lost all capacity to speak, have you?" After watching me for a second more with an unreadable expression, he got up, and stalked from the room. The door reopened barely a moment later, and Baz re-entered before picking up his pillow, with a suspicious look directed towards me, and leaving with it.

The door closed with an audible slam, leaving me standing in the middle of the room, with both of my hands out in a thumbs up, feeling like an idiot.

I left to go and ask Penny if that went well or not.

hr

_Tip #7_

_Don't be afraid to talk about sex!  
Most of the time, your lover will also be interested!  
It's a sure fire way to make sure that you are both on the same page!_

hr

I walked into the locker room after Baz's game, attracting the curious looks of every other member of the football team.

"What are you _doing _in here, Snow?"

I cleared my throat, trying not to stare. He was shirtless. Very shirtless.

"Do you want to hear a fun fact about the mating cycle of cuttlefish?"

He stared at me.

"Get the _fuck _out!"

_hr_

_Tip #21  
Cook their favourite food for them!  
Male or female, the way to a heart is through the stomach._

hr

This one took some more thorough thinking, especially since I'd never actually seen Baz eat, let alone what his favourite food was (he's a posh wanker though, so probably caviar with gold dust sprinkled on it or shit like that)

Thus, I made an educated guess.

"Snow," Baz's voice sounded almost pained, as if he was either on the brink of either insanity or a full mental breakdown "_Please _inform me exactly why you've chosen to release vermin into our room?"

I looked at the rats as they ran over the floor, tails dragging behind them. It had been a hell of a feat to get them up the stairs to the top of our tower; there must have been more than thirty of them in total.  
After opening the cage, and letting them run out into the open, hiding in shoes and the like, I'd taken up residence standing on my bed after deciding that I didn't much like rats, to the point of being batshit scared of them.

"I thought you could, you know, drink from them, or whatever it is you do. Saves you getting blood from wherever else."

Baz's face was blank as he stared at me in utter, lost horror.

I shrugged.

"You have _ten seconds _to leave this room before I rip you apart, Anathema be damned."

I left quite hastily after that.

hr

_Tip #25  
It's all about the body language!  
Try to mimic your partner's gestures._

hr

It took me a while to try put that one into practice, because every night after the Rat Incident, I'd go up to our room to find that Baz had put about twenty locking spells on the door. For a solid week, I slept in the sheltered part of the courtyard, thankful that it never rained.

Penny came and sat with me one evening, sombre and quiet, watching me look up at the stars out of the corner of my eye.

"Si…" She started slowly, bringing her hand up to her face, and sighing "I think that you've gone a bit overboard with the…what are you _doing?"_

"Nothing," I said, hand on my face, and sighing deeply over and over, mimicking Penny "Practicing a tip. Carry on."

She stood up, hands balling into fists "This is _exactly _what I want to talk about, because…_Merlin and Morgana, _Simon, sit down, stop copying what I'm doing,_ and listen to me."_

I sit down immediately, mostly out of fear.

"You're taking this too far, Si" Penny eyeballed me carefully "You're tired, and you look like a wreck. I gave you that article as a _starting point. _Not something to base all of your attempts to talk to Basil off. Just tell him how you feel."

"It's not that easy, Pen."

It really wasn't. I hadn't the slightest clue how to make someone like me, much less someone that _I _like. With Agatha, it was always a charade. Following the right steps, but it was always a game of pretend.

Now it felt like I was constantly treading out of my depth. If Baz rejected the advice given to me by some stupid love advice column, it was fine. But if I bared my soul to him, and he blatantly told me he didn't care…

I wasn't sure how to cope with that.

"Please, Simon. Please. It'll be best for both of you to do this."

And so, with dejected feet and a heart of lead, I walked back to Mummer's House at a snail's pace. The longer I could stay in the zone where I wasn't yet rejected by Baz, the better.

The door to our room, surprisingly, was cracked open, and all of the security spells had been removed.

Slowly, I reached out, and pushed the solid wood, so it swung on its hinges and opened wide.

I cleared my throat.

And froze.

Sat on my bed, legs crossed, and with perfect posture, was Baz. Flicking through a certain book. Upon hearing my entry, he glanced up at me expectantly, holding '_Fifty easy tips on seducing your crush'_ aloft.

"Snow."

"Baz." My voice cracked slightly.

"You've been acting like a psychopathic idiot recently. Even more than usual. And as the one who's had to deal with the brunt of it." He folded his hands in his lap, and looked at me directly, quirking a brow "I'd like an explanation."

It was now or never.

"Baz," I paused, wetted my lips, and took a deep breath "I'm in love with you."

He didn't react straight away. I don't think that's what he was expecting, to be honest. His lips were parted, and he looked about as shocked as Baz could ever seem.

Then he smiled, and let the magazine fall out of his hands, landing on the floor with a soft _thump._

"It's a very good thing I love you too, or I'd have filed a restraining order several times over by now. _Cuttlefish? _Really?"

I shut him up with a bruising kiss, which he requited eagerly.

Later, when we were both in bed, wrapped up in each other as tightly as we could manage, and lips sore and swollen from kissing, Baz reached out, and picked up the book again.

"Tip #50." He said. I tried to bat the book away, face flushing with embarrassment, but he held it out of my arms reach. I buried my face in his chest instead, as he cleared his throat "Tip #50. _Never _be afraid to them how you feel."

He dropped his face into my hair, and his encircling arms tightened even more.

"Simon Snow, I love you more than words can express."

"I love you too. More than anything." There was a brief moment of silence, and as an afterthought, I added "I'm sorry for being weird. And talking about cuttlefish. And releasing rats in your room. And-"

"Simon?"

"Baz?"

"You should be sorry. Now for Crowley's sake, shut up and let me kiss you."


End file.
